I Have Major February Issues

February is Black History Month, and I don't really know what they're trying to pull. First of all, for those of you who don't know (e.g. those of you who have been hiding in a drain pipe your whole lives), Black History Month is a time when notable and influential African-Americans such as Martin Luther King Jr., Muhammad Ali, Michael Jackson, and Ice Cube are remembered (if dead and/or forgotten) and celebrated (regardless). The idea is nice, but I find this particular "holiday" confusing. For starters, it violates every rule that makes a holiday in the first place, not the least of these rules being that a holiday should only take up a single day. One whole month seems pretty greedy to me, but maybe that's just me. Another problem with Black History Month is the nearly-unforgivable lack of candy. Everybody knows that real holidays incorporate candy.

I am not racist by any means, I just feel kind of left out. Here's what I'm getting to: In the name of racial equality and general fairness, there needs to be a White History Month. Just think about it: Such a holiday would allow us to celebrate notable Caucasians such as Alex Trebek, Jack Bauer, The Pope(s), and Michael Jackson. It only seems fair! And we could have candy! I can just imagine people all over America munching on chocolate Popes. White chocolate, naturally.

You know what else comes in February? Yep, it's that single day in the year when the world revolves around a glorified mole that's afraid of his own shadow. I'm talking about the ridiculously-corny Groundhog Day. Since when is it okay to dedicate an entire day to groundhogs? Was there a vote on this? Needless to say, I disapprove of February and its holidays. Whoever designed the calendar knew what they were doing when they cut the month short by about three days. Heaven knows what holidays would be forced upon us if February had the usual number of days! (I'm thinking Gerbil Day, or perhaps another trans-ethnic holiday with a name like Kwakalakananza Thursday.)

Now that I'm finished ranting, I suppose I should bring some balance by looking on the bright side. The truth of the matter is that February does indeed have a redeeming factor, and we all know it as Valentine's Day. This is a day that focuses on the two most important things in the world: Love and chocolate. In a perfect world, those two attributes would be a part of every holiday, along with lots of green M&Ms. And balloons, and noise makers, and chocolate Popes, and...