Potentially Hazardous Absences of Rational Thought

They say when you come face-to-face with a lion in the woods, you should show no fear lest it shred your face into tiny shreds of face. I say, what's the stupid lion doing in the woods in the first place? My opinion is that lions should remain exclusively in jungles, or occasionally Disney movies. A lion in the woods is as unnatural as Easy Cheez, and even more dangerous.

But I'm not here to talk about lions. I want to talk about fear, or more specifically, the various responses to fear. Yes, it has been my observation that different people respond in different ways to dread. Responses range from violent bursts of adrenaline to spontaneous pants-wetting, one occasionally resulting in the other. Almost as varied as the responses to fear are the things that trigger it. For my grandma, it's snakes that cause paralyzing terror. For Geraldo Rivera, it's a Gillette razor. For 50 Cent, it's spell check. For me, it's spiders. And angry Hawaiians. (More on this later.)

Personally, in moments when I encounter fear, I typically respond with a Potentially Hazardous Absence of Rational Thought. Although I would prefer to react in a slightly more heroic way, I have had to come to terms with the truth: In the face of fear, I go blank. Plain and simply, I lose my mind. Case in point:

I recently went into my bathroom to take a routine shower (one of my favorite things in the world). After disrobing, I whipped open the shower curtain only to find that a rather large spider (one of my least favorite things in the world) had beat me to it. It was at the sight of this eight-legged abomination that I experienced one of the aforementioned absences of rational thought and I... Well, I flipped out. My Potentially Hazardous Absence of Rational Thought manifested itself in a brainless and wide-eyed panic as I attempted to flee without regard for civilized means of exit - e.g. doors.

It’s ironic, because although at the time of the incident things seemed chaotic - even apocalyptic - in the three-foot radius that is my bathroom, any person outside would never have guessed that there was a large arachnid and an extremely scared and exposed man trapped in the bathroom. That is, were it not for the repeated thudding of an unclothed body hurling itself against walls. Fortunately, my desperate, housefly-like attempt to escape danger met an abrupt end when rational thought came back around. Only then did I realize how foolish my panicky flailing must have looked.

I also realized that Spidey, the only witness, had to die.

The tables turned, so to speak, as I twisted the faucet, chuckling evilly as the spider was swept around and down the shower drain. He may have had the pleasure of watching me act like a fool at the sight of him, but I had the last laugh as he curled his legs and surrendered to the current.

It is my experience that bravery and courage rarely appear until fear and cowardice have taken their turn. After my harrowing bathroom experience, I couldn't help but wonder: If I could do nothing but panic at the sight of a spider, how would I respond to that lion in the woods? I'm forced to conclude that I would probably respond with my trademark absence of rational thought.

And promptly have my face shredded.

Note: Because of the lengthy nature of this post's original form, it is being divided into two separate segments, the second of which will be posted at a later time. You don't have to thank me.